(Tumblr) Naruto Headcanons
by Arrowsbane
Summary: Headcanon's I have in ficlet form that I originaly posted on tumblr. "How Team Sarutobi came to be." "How Kumo really ended up with the Nibi." "The Truth of Tora-the-Cat." Basically a rather crackish collection.
1. How Team Sarutobi came to be

**Tumblr Headcanon**

 **Arrowsbane**

 **1: How Team Sarutobi came to be.**

 _Alternatively: How Sarutobi wound up saddled with the three hell-brats that passed for Team 7 (3.0)_

* * *

Tobirama is the Hokage now.

He misses his brother, wishes that the Hat had never come to rest upon his head – not this soon at any rate. It feels like only yesterday they were signing the peace treaty, and now his students are grown, his nieces and nephews are grown… Was it really just two days ago that Hashirama's granddaughter was slated to graduate, top of her class?

He groans, rubbing at the crease between his eyebrows. When did he get to be so old?

"Ren," he calls to his aide, "bring me the files for the Jonin-sensei of this year's graduates."

"Yes Nidaime-sama," Yamanaka Ren bows and scampers off to find them, his red-blonde ponytail bobbing behind him. Ren returns promptly, files in arm and hands them over with a cheerful grin.

Papers splay across his desk and he has to suppress a groan of frustration. He still doesn't have a sensei for his darling grand-niece… in fact… there's only a very few number of people he'd trust with the Senju heir.

"Ren?" The cheerful aide sticks his head through the door again.

"Yes Nidaime-sama?"

"Summon Team Tobirama for me, will you?"

"Right away Nidaime-sama," Ren beams, bouncing off once-more. Sometimes Tobirama wonders what he'd do without the half-Uzumaki, half-Yamanaka Tokujo who has a certain gift for managing the demon that is paperwork.

It takes less than twenty minutes for the paper-nin to track down his wayward students – Danzo is suspiciously absent, and he just knows that the wily bastard had seen this coming a mile off – and Tobirama puts on his calmest expression. All it does is horrify the three jonin before him.

"Tsunade graduated this week," he tells them, not mincing words. "I'll leave it to the three of you to decide who'll be taking her team," He throws the team dossier at the trio, and dismisses them with a wave of his hand, and returning to the dreaded finance report that really should have been signed in triplicate _last week._

* * *

Team Tobirama trudges outside into the street (and isn't it funny how Danzo chose this week to be mysteriously absent on sudden urgent business that really couldn't be delayed), not a word between them.

Koharu is rubbing at her temples with a fierce look in her eyes as she turns to face her male teammates.

"No." Hiruzen says firmly as Koharu frowns at him. _"No."_

"I have plans," she hisses, "plans that _do not include looking after baby ninja._ "

Years of experience in all matters Koharu would normally have alarm bells ringing in his brain saying "Abort! Abort! Run for your life," But dammit, Hiruzen doesn't _want the brats either._ He's seen how much trouble the three of them can get up to on their own, the idea of all three of them in one place is enough to give him nightmares.

The pair of them turn to Homura, but the sneaky bastard is gone. There's a mad cackle from several streets over, and then his chakra vanishes from range.

Koharu growls. Actually growls.

But Hiruzen has never backed down from a fight, and he's not about to start now.

He narrows his eyes, tensing up. Across from him, Koharu does the same.

Fists lash out, pumping quickly. One two three.

Hiruzen's hand forms a rock. Koharu's is paper.

"Dammit," he grouses, and the harpy he calls a teammate grins.

"Best out of three?" He tries.

"Not a chance in hell." Above them, the large clock mounted on the Meeting Hall chimes nine times.

He's _late_. Why? The look on Koharu's face is downright evil, and Hiruzen silently swears to have his revenge.

But right now? Dust swirls in his wake as he moves faster than he thinks he's even been before, roof-hopping like a boss all the way to the Academy.

He slides in through the window, just in time to hear the tail end of the Instructor's speech and lands with a soft thump.

"…and Senju Tsunade. Your sensei is…"

"Here!" Hiruzen wheezes, out of breath as he slides into the Academy classroom after the mad-dash. Koharu and Homura owe him.

"What happened to you?" Asks one of the Akimichi jonin (there are two of them), eyeing his scuffed clothing.

"Ah. Tobirama-sensei couldn't decide on the last teacher for this year, so he left it up to my team to decide. Jan-ken-pon got a little wild." He admits in a low whisper.

"Sweet!" Crows a white-haired boy who evidently has the hearing of a bat for crying out loud, and suddenly Hiruzen has a very bad feeling. "You hear that? They were fighting over who got to teach us!"

And there it is.

Damn.

He's about ready to snap and tell them that is _not what happened_ , but then his eyes fall upon the hopeful look on Princess Tsunade's face, and he doesn't have the heart to upset her.

No, really, he knows damn well that Sensei will eviscerate him.

"Sure," He grins at them, "that's exactly what happened."

Then he dangles two bells in front of the trio, cackling with glee on the inside.

" _There are two bells, and three of you…"_

* * *

 _I'm laughing on the inside. Because this would have been amazing to see in animated form._


	2. How Kumo really ended up with the Nibi

**Tumblr Headcanon**

 **Arrowsbane**

 **2: How Kumo** _ **really**_ **ended up with the Nibi.**

 _Alternatively: That one time Tobirama made friends with the Necromancer Hellcat._

* * *

It begins when Mito seals the Kyubi into her navel with nothing but ink and chakra. Suddenly the whole shinobi world is gearing up, ready for battle. In the idiot-mind of Tobirama's older brother (seriously, this naïve trusting nature of his will get him killed someday) the best thing to do is to track down the other bijuu, seal them up into nice little packages, and ship them off to neighboring countries.

'Everybody gets a Bijuu!' He announces over the kotatsu during dinner one night, beaming at his own brilliance.

Tobirama facepalms when he hears this.

Mito snorts, but secretly she agrees with her brother-in-law.

This can only end in tears.

* * *

One by one, the bijuu are lured into the land of Fire. Hashirama's chakra is the bait.

The Ichibi goes down cursing and screaming when it's sealed. Hashirama screams even louder when Mito finds out that he sealed the bijuu into _her favorite tea kettle_ , and proceeds to beat the ever-living tar out of her husband.

The Sanbi manages to create a swampland when it spews half a metric ton of water over what used to be farmland. The Yonbi almost sets off a volcano – and for once Tobirama admits that he is thankful for the Uchiha's obsession with fire and everything that burns.

The Gobi comes quietly enough, picking through the flora and fauna with an almost childlike innocence to it. The dolphin-horse inhales deeply from a large flower, and sneezes for its trouble. Once it realizes exactly what is happening, it bolts for the horizon. But Hashirama had been preparing for weeks, and the seals twist, locking it away. A mournful, almost betrayed wail fills the air, lasting until the seals stop glowing.

Bubbles. Tobirama officially hates bubbles after the Rokubi turns out to be the biju version of Hashirama: cheerful, bumbling, and causing trouble wherever it goes. It would be almost cute, except the bubbles are formed from chakra that acts like acid when in contact with the human system.

The Nanabi leads them on a merry chase, showering them in a hazy powder that makes them hallucinate or fall asleep - and on one occasion stirs up their chakra to simulate the effect of a night out binge-drinking. Even the Hachibi makes its mark by drenching the sealing squad in so much chakra-laced ink that their hair is still pitch two months later.

But… strangely enough, nobody has seen hide nor hair of the Nibi.

* * *

Tobirama is experimenting with his seals when the cat wanders over to him. Hashirama is deathly afraid of ghosts… and the undead, so he's been 'banished' to the unplowed outskirts of Konoha for his studies. Seriously? You accidentally almost cause a zombie apocalypse _one time_ and they never let you forget.

He's trying to tweak the control seal to reduce the amount of chakra when he realizes… the cat is on fire. Not on fire in the horrible way of burning to death, but as in there are blue flames rippling across it's fur and the cat _doesn't even seem to notice_. It's the most fascinating thing he's ever seen.

The cat looks over his arm, tail swishing merrily as it seems to read the contents of his scroll.

"You've got balls," it says suddenly, and Tobirama – so used to the unexpected by now – just raises his eyebrows in response.

"Oh?" He says, making the slow kind of eye contact that cats are famous for, refusing to blink even when his eyes water.

"Not many would raise the dead." The cat tells him.

"I am not most people." The cat tilts its head to the side, inspecting him.

"You need to add a heavenly gate here," A fire-coated tail points to a nexus in the calligraphy, "or you're going to wind up with a looser binding than you'd like."

He blinks, peering at the paper carefully. How the hell did he miss that?

And just like that, they're trading ideas back and forth for the whole afternoon. When night falls, the cat follows him home. It's only as the sun is setting that it occurs to him to introduce himself.

"I am Senju Tobirama."

"Matatabi," The cat says, "Although I think you mortals know me better as Nibi no Nekomata."

Tobirama blinks in surprise. It certainly explains why Hashirama hasn't been able to find the Nibi. He's been looking for a monster, not a luminescent house cat.

* * *

Three months later, and his older brother is still freaking out because somehow they've managed to misplace a biju.

" _How do you misplace a force of nature that stands twenty stories high on a good day and can squash you like a bug with a flick of its whiskers?"_ The brunette wails dramatically over breakfast.

Tobirama shrugs and passes the salt to Mito. Hashirama doesn't understand why his younger brother is so calm about the whole thing. There is a missing bijuu on the loose somewhere, _and why does his brother's cat look so goddamn smug?_

Mito smiles serenely, sipping on her tea. She's figured it all out ages ago. It's just that the Uzumaki have the weirdest sense of humor ever to grace the earth that's preventing her from telling her husband.

* * *

Something Hashirama will never understand is why his little brother insists on naming his cat after _socks_. If Tobirama ever gets married, Hashirama prays that the wife is the one who names the children. Otherwise they'll be doomed.

Strangely enough, about three days after he first mentions this out loud at dinner, his shoes start going missing. But only the left ones. About a fortnight later, they're returned by a very embarrassed looking Inuzuka, chewed to pieces. She has no idea how they wound up in the kennels. Neither does anybody else.

At least, not until Hashirama catches the hellcat in the act, slipper in mouth.

He lunges. He misses.

She's out the window, tail held high.

Tobirama glares when he tells the white-haired man that his pet is evil and needs to be exorcised. Then Hashirama finds himself upside down on the ground outside. That blasted demon cat is smirking at him from the doorway, and Hashirama vows revenge.

Well, with Madara gone, somebody has to drive the Shodaime mad.

Mito and Tobirama most certainly don't egg the situation on, no sir. Well, they don't get caught.

* * *

Years pass.

Hashirama dies, and Tobirama becomes Hokage. Team Tobirama fight over who has to teach the new Team 7 – Sarutobi loses, and yes Tobirama knew about the whole thing. It had Matatabi in stitches for days.

Konoha prospers, even though war is happening. Matatabi still sleeps on the stoop outside Tobirama's house, and sets the occasional enemy nin on fire. [The villagers are convinced she is a summon of some kind, and he doesn't disabuse the notion.] The village has come a long way from an insubstantial dream between two boys on a riverbank.

Until the day comes when Tobirama does something Matatabi cannot forgive. He dies.

Kumogakure's elite Kinkau Force ambushes the Escort Squadron en-route to Konoha, and the Nidaime stands proudly, refusing to allow a single Cloud nin past. Matatabi grows to the size of a lion and spits blue fire at them.

Tobirama falls to the enemy, and Matatabi rages.

Unfortunately for her, the Kinkaku squad also boasts a fuuinjutsu specialist – and you can bet your bottom dollar that every fuuinjutsu user in Kumo had a very good look at the seals used to hold the Hachibi _just in case._ And so Kumo ends up with the Nibi, and the world can stop panicking over somehow losing a _bijuu._

Matatabi never forgets her favorite human though.

* * *

Decades later, when she's pulled free of the Juubi, the first thing she does is bowl him over. Thankfully, he's already dead, because she forgot to turn off the fire coursing through her fur.

"Hello again 'Tabi." He says, once he's reassembled. She exerts her will, snuffing out the flames and shrinking to the size of a lion. Without the wil 'o wisp dancing across her body, the grey stripes are clearly visible. Distantly, she can hear Hashirama squawking in horror, but she's got eyes for only one mortal. He's even more special now that he's dead too. But of course, he's her favorite human for a reason.

"You," Hashirama hisses in fury, finally making the connection. Everybody stops to watch the chaos that is the Senju brothers and a biju.

(In the distance, Madara frowns at having the attention taken away from his 'I-will-rule-the-world!' plan.)

"Not this again," Tobirama groans, because he has had enough of his brother's dramatics for the day. Hashirama ignores him. Matatabi blinks lazily.

"My eternal rival!" Hashirama declares, pointing at her and striking a dramatic pose. The collective army of shinobi stare at the Shodaime, because _he's evidently gone bugnuts_.

["Oi!" A boisterous blonde woman shouts across the field. "Orochimaru! What the hell _did you do_ to my Grandfather?"

(Is that the same Tsunade-chan who used to carry Tabi around like a security blanket?)

"It's not my fault!" Hisses a dark-haired man, and a whispered argument fizzles into existence.]

Tobirama and Matatabi share _a look_. Then they set the world ablaze with blue fire.

* * *

 _Because I can totally see the Nibi trolling the Shinobi world. Mito thinks it's hilarious, and Tobirama has got to get his kicks somehow._


End file.
